i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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