yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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