Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
