My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
