you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
