How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
