hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
