Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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