Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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