Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
