it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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