I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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