I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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