I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
