dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
