someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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