She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
