I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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