a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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