mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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