in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
