woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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