As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
