I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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