I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
