Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
