I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
