My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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