She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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