Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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