I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
