i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The air was thick with penises
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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