mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
