before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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