Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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