I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
