did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
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