i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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