Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
