i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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