At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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