got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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