Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
