Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
