What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
