I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
