Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
