That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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