A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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