somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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