Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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