You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
