my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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