if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
