Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
