I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
