omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
