tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize