At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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