How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize